Conflicting Inner Thoughts
15:00 |
| Artwork by Kytten Janae |
I am blown away with how easy it is to lose yourself; to lose sight of who you truly are. Especially when you’re in a relationship.
I get it. You’ve finally found someone who, for some strange reason, has shown interest in you. You start to really think about what that person saw in you that made them want to take that next step: confronting you.
I, for one, become overwhelmed when someone compliments me. So for someone to ask for my number or ask me out, I become speechless. Then the questions start flying around in my head: Why me? What about that other girl over there? She has a much nicer smile and she looks more outgoing than I do. Why didn’t they pick her? Is this a joke? It certainly has to be. Nobody goes for me. I’ve never been good enough before, what’s different now? Why the sudden change? The questions jumble themselves in my head and leave me in a dizzying stupor.
My thoughts become jumbled as I disconnect from the world around me. In a way, it’s like I’m in a state between reality and a dream world. Again, someone has shown interest in me. No matter how small. Could it be attraction? Fascination? Am I just overthinking things? I tend to do that often. This leads to constant worrying. Am I good enough? What if they lose interest? What if someone better catches their eye? Will I be replaced…?
The insecurity takes over. My disconnection from the things and people around me turns into complete disregard. The thoughts and second guessing myself become my main focus. I don’t think I can interact with anyone around me. I’m detached from my surroundings.
Did that actually happen? Did they really just come up to me and talk to me? I go from questioning my appearance to wondering whether or not they really just spoke to me. For a little while, I lose sense of who I am.
I might be able to start forming complete sentences in about 20 minutes or so. The way they spoke to me has left me overwhelmed. And my brain is too occupied with trying to understand and handle everything my mind is doubting to come up with words.
I can watch them walk away and leave, all in a daze. I would still be trying to get a grasp on everything that has happened so far as I lay in bed hours later. And without realizing, I would be beaming. Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe I’m overthinking the entire situation...
My mind can’t stop thinking about them long enough to let me fall asleep. But as I continue to lay there taking in recent events, I discover that I have no objections.
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